Al is a father and stepfather with limited access to his biological children. He grew up with a verbally abusive mom and without his father. In a recent session, he shared about his response to affirmations his wife had given him. He believes it is his job as husband and dad to give leadership, and to provide through his work and income. He knows what should be done and he does it; he has a good work ethic and fulfills his duties. He has a compassionate heart and thinks ahead to handle needs and potential problems. This is all part of what he is “supposed to do”.
When his wife offered thanks for how he was taking care of her and managing family issues, he felt he didn’t deserve it for just doing his job. He brushed it off and didn’t understand why she even said anything. She reiterated her appreciation, and he said he didn’t know why it mattered.
As he shared, I asked Al if he understood that she was offering a gift of affirmation, and that she needed him to take it. I suggested that his receiving of her gift may seem like a gift back to her. She wanted him to know he was appreciated, and she would feel heard when he received her gift. He said this was all strange to him.
We then talked about self-worth, which we had addressed in another session. We talked about how it can be hard for someone to receive thanks if—especially in childhood—they had been harshly criticized or otherwise been made to feel unworthy. If good gifts and encouragement have not been given regularly, it can feel unnatural when they are offered as an adult. He expressed that this was eye-opening and painful to consider. The conversation continued, and he decided he would make a greater effort to intentionally receive gifts of affirmation from his wife. He was also going to think through his own self-worth, and be willing to acknowledge his value to his family. Finally, he restated his commitment to show kindness. I am certain that moving forward, Al will work hard to speak lovingly to his family and to build their self-worth.
by Jeff, Men’s Coaching Manager