Cultivating Friendship in Marriage

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By Jeff, Men’s Coaching Manager

A husband and wife have been coming for Couples’ Coaching for a while. They have some struggles that go back to the beginning of their marriage, while some have come to light more recently. I have challenged them to be specific with each other about their needs and about what would communicate love to them. They have both invested some creative energy, and have shown kindness and thoughtfulness to each other in new ways.

In one of our sessions, they talked about how when the husband does things for his wife, she expresses a great level of appreciation, and he feels rewarded by that. However, when the wife does things for her husband, he does not express much appreciation, and this has felt hurtful to her. There does not always seem to be an equality of effort, and we may return to this issue again.

Not too long ago, the husband shared that when they make big or special plans, something always seems to go wrong and ruins whatever they wanted to take place. He was frustrated about what to do next and whether it would even matter. I asked about what a fun day would be for his wife, what would feel special to her, and he offered a few ideas. I suggested that he pursue one of those activities in order to just have fun as friends, and not think about making it a grand, romantic gesture.

A couple days later, he surprised his wife at work by showing up with soft pretzels and their kids. She saw this as generous, and intentional, and she was very thankful. This led to more conversations about how they could reciprocate acts of love for each other from an internal motivation. I believe that as married couples cultivate their friendship, it can deepen the marriage relationship, and that is good for mom, dad and the kids.