By Jeff, Men’s Coaching Manager

A probation officer referred a man who has multiple children with more than one woman to Men’s Coaching; he is working through a variety of legal issues. He spends some time with a few of his kids, some more than others, and some he rarely sees.

Not long ago, he learned that he has a teenage daughter. He shared with me some of the reasons he has not been in her life. He has spoken with her by phone and they have shared messages a few times through social media and texts. Recently, she has become more standoffish and uncommunicative. She expressed to her dad that she does not understand why he never tried to find out about her, and why he hadn’t reached out earlier.

He did not want to just bad-mouth her mother and blame her for all the lost time, but he did not know how to convince the girl that he cared about her and wanted to know her better. He and I talked about the facts that he would be able to share, including his love for her. We discussed a daughter’s need for her father, and what this girl has missed out on. We talked about the emotions she might be feeling, and the details she may be thinking about. He said he knew how to talk to teens when he was a teen, but not how to talk to a teen as a dad.

I asked him to consider whether what his daughter really wanted from him was more information about the past, or something else. We were able to process through his daughter’s attitude and her words. I encouraged him to listen to her heart and to respond to her with his. I suggested that one day, what will matter to her and what will make an impact, are the efforts he makes going forward, regardless of the past. We brainstormed about some specific ways they could connect, in person and with what is in their hearts. He continues to reach out, and hopes to build a stronger bond. Kids of all ages need to know that their parents are excited to know them, and that they will do what it takes to strengthen their relationship.